Mirrorball Mainfesting
Not a Taylor Swift reference I promise
I can’t help but use January as intended: changing habits, splashing Mod Podge all over magazine cutout vision boards, wishing good things out into the universe then doing nothing to make them come true. So in 2024, my bedtime prayers will be directed towards manifesting Gypsy Rose Blanchard on Dancing with the Stars this fall.
At this time, I will insert a footnote in case I am too online and in my content bubble and wondering if the world at large has no idea what the words Gypsy Rose Blanchard mean. Click that little “1” to learn more…1
Aaaand you’re back! Wait actually go watch The Act on Hulu for an Emmy-winning juicy dramatization of this whole charade.
Fast forward to now and Gypsy is OUT ON THE TOWN! She’s been out of prison for 7-to-10 minutes and is on the press tour of the year (reminder: only January). All other current press tours can take a seat — Take the day off the Oscar campaign trail Poor Things and Oppenheimer; settle into a well-deserved nap Taylor Swift. Gypsy has hit all of the morning shows, flooded your (my) TikTok feed, galavanted around media outlets with her husband she met via letters he wrote to her in prison. Where is the Las Culturistas interview when you need it?
Her publicist whose name has not yet been uncovered but deserves her holiday bonus already needs to call her contacts at Disney and clear Gypsy’s autumn schedule. Sorry to the other “celebrity” reality shows; The Masked Singer, you don’t deserve her. Though… imagine if she was cast on The Traitors next year — host and Spice World cast member Alan Cumming’s murder puns would pop off2 but now we have to trust tenured DWTS judge Bruno Tonioli to take on that job.
The moral quandary that you’re cringing at right now is likely along the lines of “wait are we platforming a literal murderer” and let me be clear: yes! This is where our culture is. In fact, drafting this post gave me pause as I soon started to see that aforementioned TikTok feed showing me “are you all crazy, this woman should not be as famous as we’re making her!” As regretful as it is if you look at it from a criminal angle, this is where our (my) culture is — I shan’t defend it anymore except to say I subscribed to a temporary cable package for awards season and RuPaul’s Drag Race so I have access to any new Gypsy Rose cable content and otherwise, January is usually a culturally-starved month. Carpe diem we don’t have time to get in the trenches about it. We recall Dancing with the Stars is the show that cast former Trump White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. They thought it’d be a good idea to give a bigger platform to Carole Baskin a year after everyone had moved on from Tiger King and received their COVID-19 vaccinations. This show watched Life-Size 2 on Freeform and said “yes hire Tyra Banks to host.”3 DWTS is not above anything!!!! And if it’s not Gypsy Rose, it’s going to be George Santos so just pick which lane you’d like fall 2024 to be in. It’s a “who’s who” of “who?” that is palatable for the whole family except for my mother who acted as though I poisoned her Thanksgiving cranberries when I put it on during the holiday week at home.
So I’m dreaming big and envisioning a 2024 where Good Morning America trots out a Gypsy with new highlights and veneers (a Hollywood epidemic but Miss Blanchard is allowed) to join the cast with her partner Alan Bersten or Ezra Sosa or some other young man and then we’re off to the races. There will also be real estate mogul Jason Oppenheim and the fourth Jonas Brother etc etc etc.
Gypsy is someone (like Carole Baskin) who would thrive being as on the nose as a Breathe Right nasal strip with all of her song choices and we wouldn’t be able to help but stan.
In late 2024 as we’re voting between the same presidential matchup we had four years ago, Miss Publicist will be directing Gypsy away from the murder storyline (lest we get a Murder on the Dancefloor Rumba). Dancing with the Stars is king of choosing bad theme nights (but not as bad as American Idol was) so here’s how this will play out:
Premiere Week - A big celebration! Her debut! Gypsy has said (read: Publicist wrote) that her favorite Taylor Swift song is Karma. She said this with a giggle. Remember what I said about being on the nose? This will keep happening. The pervious season has an entire Taylor Swift night (good theme!) so we have to assume Taylor has cleared all of her music. Nobody does well their first week except olympians who are already in good-enough shape so this will go poorly.
Most Memorable Year (and a song from that year) - Gypsy could say 2015 as the year her life changed but will instead focus on her new life and independence and pick out-of-prison-2023 and do Flowers by Miley Cyrus. This will also go poorly.
Disney Week - Please is there any choice during brand-synergy night but a song from Tangled? A mother who keeps her daughter locked up for her own benefit? She could finally upgrade her weird “princess” costume wig that every Lifetime docu-series has shown ad nauseam and get professionally styled by the show. This will be her peak but still a big yikes.
Music Video Night - the hardest of the bunch to pick. Has Gypsy Rose Blanchard ever seen a music video? Does she know what TRL is? It’s best that her partner picks for her and drags her along to a quickstep to like Girls Just Want to Have Fun and gets fives across the board. She’s in the bottom two here but the judges save her just to bring us to…
Halloween - girl it’s the reason for the season! She will change her tone and LEAN IN. There will be murder undertones, maybe set design like her old house/crime scene. It’s a legal and moral gray area like this whole thing is! She could bop around a jazz routine to Monster by Rihanna and Eminem and skate by because we’re wincing at how freely she is willing to engage in her criminal past!
Latin Night - All of the white girls eventually have to perform a latin number so this is when she will be eliminated because she will ultimately be bad at this show and actually should have been cut three weeks prior. Onto bigger and better things Gypsy. Your only regret is that The Chicks’ Goodbye Earl is not a good ballroom dance song for any theme. My only regret is wishing for this journey in the first place.
We’re all striving to improve our lives in a new year. Except for most of us that means “drink more water” and for dear Miss Blanchard, she’s gotta figure out how to live in her newfound and misguided celebrity. A message for me as well as for Gypsy: Dream big baby girl!
I broke out my favorite Christmas gift of 2022 to be the star and focus of my winter one year later. The Bombas Gripper Slippers are MY LIFE and will continue to be keeping my piggies warm until Spring has sprung.
I was averse to the concept of slippers for a long time. It felt like such a generic item on a “what to get your dad for Christmas” Buzzfeed list. But now I’ve seen the other side. Not only do they keep your tootsies toasty, but the sock-like structure (of this product specifcially) means you probably shouldn’t wear them outdoors so it’s okay to sit and binge 6 hours of television without taking in fresh air. And machine washable darling!
As I am not of the influencer status to gain anything from linking a product, you know it’s from the heart. Otherwise, get a good pair of slippers and enjoy the cold months.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard was a victim of her mother’s child abuse and Münchausen Syndrome by Proxy. From childhood, her mother Claudinne “Dee Dee” Blanchard forced unnecessary medical treatments, surgeries, and medications on her daughter as a way to gain attention and maintain control over her. Dee Dee falsified medical records, lied to organizations like Habitat for Humanity and Make-a-Wish to gain extra financial support… it was a big yikes! When Gypsy grew wise to all of it, she helped plot her mother’s murder with her icky online boyfriend, and pled guilty to second-degree murder. What’s a bigger yikes is that I typed all of this from memory…
Is this too niche of a reference? It’s 2023’s best reality show debut and the second season just premiered on Peacock. Have you heard of Peacock? Has anyone? Who am I to make you download and pay for another app? Alan Cumming should have beat RuPaul for the hosting Emmy.
She once interviewed Olympic gymnast Suni Lee about her diarrhea, after she had to bolt off the dance floor after her routine to go potty.