Gettin' IFfy Wit It
Sry I tried to think of better wordplay but I'm tired.
As soon as I left the movie IF1, I was disappointed that I didn’t bring a notepad to scribble down my “huhs” and “whys” and also “whats” because I have never been so confused at a movie aimed at 9-year-olds. But luckily for us, dear reader, it is now streaming. As a public service (this subscription is free), below please find a very accurate summary of a movie, and spoilers don’t matter because I’m certainly not going to sell you on Paramount+ now.
Note that this movie is labeled as: “From the imagination of John Krasinski” and it must be stated that he did not create nor write A Quiet Place even though his name is all over it. So we have no idea if “the imagination of John Krasinski” is a place we’d like to set up camp.
This is a long post, but if you want more, check out the last time I deigned to recap a movie that made my head explode:
IF (2024) is about any of the following at any given moment:
Retaining childlike wonder
Processing grief
Finding pants that suit you
Let’s get into it, starting with with Generic Mom, Whimsical Dad John Krasinski and Bea, our main character— she gets no silly little adjectives because she is INCREDIBLY dull from the jump. The only notable thing about Bea is that she is obsessed with paperboy pants. But her parents are fun, so it would certainly be devastating to lose these characters! A family montage ends with Bea and Whimsical Dad John Krasinski saying bye to Generic Mom with suitcases in hand. Maybe a summer abroad? We don’t follow up on this.
Years later, Bea is shy and reserved, and lives with her grandmother. One assumes we have lost both happy parents, because every family movie is famously rooted in parental death. Grandma is very sweet to Bea, even setting out craft supplies until Bea STOPS THIS TOMFOOLERY IN ITS TRACKS: “Grandma, I’m TWELVE.” This girl will proceed go to great lengths to declare she’s not a kid anymore so she might as well march down to Hertz Rent-A-Car and sign some papers.
WAIT, A TRICK! Whimsical Dad John Krasinski is alive! Grandma drops Bea off to visit him in… the hospital. Aw this must mean he is very very sick…
WAIT, ANOTHER TRICK! Whimsical Dad John Krasinski looks very healthy, in plain clothes, dancing with an IV drip that he drew red lips on — Sir this is a medical facility. And for the second time in five minutes, Bea complains that she is being treated like a kid when she is, recall, twelve. Dad reveals that he “has a broken heart” and, but he is just spending extra days yoinking hospital property for the bit. What in the PPO?!
The next day (the next pair of paperboy pants) Bea goes alone to the hospital again and runs into Bedridden Benjamin with a comical amount of broken bones. He says he “falls a lot” and she laughs at him. Bedridden Benjamin asks what “Bea” stands for, she says QUOTE “Oh nothing, my mom just used to call me Bea.” She goes to find her dad hiding in a closet, hands him flowers, then leaves. Anthem Blue Cross is shaking.
Fast forward a bit, Bea runs into a few quirky animated creatures like Blue, a purple Grimace-like creature who rudely says he was created by a color-blind kid and Ryan Reynolds looking dapper (derogatory), who could also be described as a quirky animated creature. This scene is important because it’s the ONLY TIME we establish any goal of any character, in that Blue used to belong to a kid and that he’s trying to find a new potential match. Dapper Ryan Reynolds started a match-making agency to help IFs2 find new kids, because their previous kids grew up, and Bea looks EXTREMELY CONFUSED AT THE CONCEPT OF AGING as if she hasn’t been parading around her AARP card for 30 minutes. Literally 2 minutes later Dapper Ryan Reynolds puts a stop to this hangout and Blue says, “come on Cal, she’s just a kid.” Her response, you guessed it: “I’m not a kid.” Girl go to the playground.
We bizarrely cut to sunrise and Bea gasping out of bed, the standard filmmaking technique to convey “it was all a dream” . She puts on a new pair of paperboy pants and visits the hospital again but this time, Blue has followed her here. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s just reestablish that it is not clear at this moment in time that only Bea can see these IFs (or why), but Blue clarifies that only kids can see them. You know, Bea’s trigger word, because, <sigh> SHE IS NOT A KID, BLUE. Bedridden Benjamin, a kid, cannot see Blue. This next twist will KNOCK YOU DOWN so go ahead and sit:
Dapper Ryan Reynolds isn’t convinced of Bea’s new “chosen one” status, and when he laments how she could possibly help, she COMPLETELY STRAIGHT-FACED says “because I’m a kid.” GIRL your motivation is off the rails. I’m out. I keep watching.
They go to a deserted Coney Island, where any child would go with an adult stranger and find a retirement home for imaginary friends. Sad, old imaginary friends doing cliché old person things, like watching Judge Judy and… MTV News3? Tbh many characters here are fun to look at and my most positive part of this review is the character design. However, I have the Justice Department on line 1 regarding what blackmail John Krasinski has on actors of a certain age. Because why was it necessary for Bradley Cooper to play a glass of water? Then a living-posable art figurine approaches Dapper Ryan Reynolds to remind him he is owed $20 from a foam party. My mind is reeling at what this throwaway joke could mean.
We find Lewis, an old teddy bear, who greets Bea unprompted with “Hello Elizabeth.” THIS YOUNG LADY told us earlier when she said Bea wasn’t short for anything!! I scream.
Time for an imagination montage, where we learn this place can turn into anything Bea imagines; the decor immediately changes, which would be devastating in a real retirement home. She produces lots of cake and other KID things because she is a KID. And she also changes into one of those tuxedo t-shirts, but wears a real tuxedo jacket on top. We see a large pink dragon that should inspire the creators of the Shrek franchise4 to sue for plagiarism. This bit ends in a full musical number led by Tina Turner (?) where Ryan Reynolds now has a mullet (??). Afterwards, Bea-lizabeth is back in her paperboy pants to ground us.
We go to a sort-of-job-interview montage to get to know all of our IFs, where a voice acting budget goes to be burned. This entire sequence is in the trailer so you can stay where you are. A robot makes a Radio Shack joke and we’re yet again not sure who this movie is for. Dapper Ryan Reynolds makes a joke that the banana character (easy paycheck for Bill Hader) should put some pants on. This joke does not work because there are 56 other pants-less characters in the shot. Amy Schumer (as a gummy bear) farts and admits indigestion and gets a paycheck too.
Bea gets the good idea (ADMITTEDLY HER FIRST ONE) to bring the IFs to the pediatric wing of the hospital to match with sick kids. JK she’s just focused on ole glass-bones Benjamin and berates him for not being able to see them. Dapper Ryan Reynolds asks the bedridden child “What the hell do you want?” in this PG movie.
Downtrodden Bea then goes to talk to Lewis, who declares that memories live forever in your heart (famously memories live in your brain). This scene is a non sequitur. They then imagine Coney Island being populous again when— I actually did Google this to make sure I’m not nuts— this theme park still exists. But we know it’s somewhat of an imaginary/dream sequence because Bea is now SUDDENLY WEARING WHITE PAPERBOY PANTS. Save it for the wedding, girl. But they walk around and see all of the IFs in 1950s garb and I’m not sure what we learn.
We are reminded that Whimsical Dad John Krasinski has a “big day tomorrow,” still unclear… open-heart surgery I guess? Later, Bea, not mean anymore, engages in a nice conversation with Grandma. Grandma says she used to want to be a dancer, and in an old photo, Bea sees an IF in a photo with young Grandma…? Bea sneakily puts on a record and Grandma does some ballet, and then her range of facial acting shows that she remembers her imaginary friend and we switch to our new plan is to track down sad adults who need to remember their old IFs.
In new paperboy pants, we go to find out Blue is the invention of Bobby Moynihan, stressed because he has a big presentation. We make jokes at the expense of Bobby Moynihan’s weight, including baiting him into remembering his childhood because of baked goods.
Reader at this point in the story I figured it out: I have posited that everything we see as “the hospital” is imaginary because we have not seen any other outside character mention or interact with Whimsical Dad John Krasinski and Bedridden Benjamin. This tracks to me and would actually tie some things together in a nice theme of loneliness, imagination and grief.
My theory is canceled when Grandma is sad since there was some complication with Dad. This is a shock to me, the audience, because we have had no indication that he is sick in any way. Bea runs to his room (as Grandma stays in the hallway). Whimsical Dad John Krasinski is knocked out, finally in a hospital gown, literal character growth right there. In a tearful confession, Bea finally admits “I’m JUST A KID.” But this packs no emotional punch, because she used this flip earlier. Dad wakes up, and Bea LEAPS onto his chest to hug him as if he did not just have his chest cavity open in an OR.
In one final paperboy pant look, Bea can’t find Dapper Ryan Reynolds to tell him the good (?) news (??). Dad is all stitched up and discharged and so he packs up Bea’s things and they… move out…? I know I have to hang on for like 4 more minutes but I’m struggling.
Keeping with the theme of character growth through costume, Bea wears a regular pair of pants! She finds an old drawing she made of “Mom, Dad, and me … and Calvin” (a clown). Calvin the clown is in a suit that seems pretty… Dapper. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: In a world of marshmallows and teddy bears and furry creatures… Bea imagined a hot 47-year-old man in suspenders. This is the puberty story Inside Out 2 was afraid to tell.
Dapper Ryan Reynolds is dressed as the laziest clown you’ve ever seen, hands her a balloon flower, and hugs Bea. This is the “end” I guess, and we get this voiceover word salad from Bea: “When I was little, I remember telling a story, and as I get older, I often find myself looking back, questioning certain details. But every time that happens, I always remind myself to take a breath, and simply ask myself: what if?”
The tagline on the poster is “a movie you have to believe to see”. I do not believe I saw this movie5.
You know the one (right?): goofy imaginary friends go on some vague quest together - fun for the whole family 30-something.
The titular role: stylized as capital “I” capital “F”, an acronym for Imaginary Friend but we’re not putting periods between the letters because then we’d lose the “ooo what if…?” double meaning.
Paramount synergy I guess???
Shrek 5 in theaters July 1, 2026.
Twice for note-taking purposes.
Your summary made me laugh out loud! 😂😂