Cause of Death
"I found myself in a desert called Cyberland." - Maureen Johnson, RENT, 1996
The use of a “prophecy” in a movie or show is a great hook IN MY OPINION. Something that the main character is told will happen and it’s usually bad or they usually don’t want to run towards it so they either find a way to change it or embrace their destiny. It’s great. Though I don’t subscribe to the concept of destiny, or believe that things are fated. You write your own story or some other cliche thing! However, I have recently come to accept one prophecy as certain in my life. And that is that I will go by the hands of a Tesla Cybertruck.
It’s written in the stars, sadly. The Tesla (🤢) Cybertruck (🤢🤢) is what happens if the production designers from 1982’s TRON flashed forward 13-Going-On-30-style and had to invent something in 2024 with no context (and two pop culture references in one sentence). It’s what retrofuturism predicted all of our cars would look like, except now hilarious because no modern infrastructure matches it’s vibe. It’s like if a car embodied the concept of “someone who can’t read a room”. I beg anyone reading this to Command-T open a new tab and google the Cynbertruck’s steering wheel and wonder why Mario Kart vehicular engineering seems more serious. There’s something uncanny and wildly unsafe about the Cybertruck’s sharp corners at eye level when I sit in my Honda Civic. There is no way if that trapezoid were to touch me with the slightest force that it wouldn’t instantly dismember me.
I experienced my first Cybertruck-in-the-wild sighting earlier this spring and in that same week saw another in roughly the same area; could there be more than one male ego that size in Burbank, California? “The Tinsel Behind the Town” as branded by the tourism board when you exit the Burbank airport? I didn’t think it possible. I was proven wrong. I ruminated on this for 8 sleepless nights until the following week when I saw another one, a few miles away. And then another, this one was a navy blue, which means on top of the $80k base price, this person paid to have it wrapped in a color of their choice (did they go to West Coast Customs à la Pimp My Ride? Also in Burbank). I loosely and nonchalantly raised my middle finger at them and did not regret it— yeah I’m a bad boy. Their windows are so tinted they probably can’t even see outside, through my crystal clear Honda Civic windows1.
The way the Cybertruck makes me cower in (say it with me) my Honda Civic is only the latest development in me growing into an elderly driver with brake-pedal tendencies in my mid-thirties. Yes I’m now your neighbor who slows in some intersections even though the light is green. I’ve witnessed a more-than-comfortable amount of cars run the nearest red light to my apartment so I will be defensive about it! Honk at me and I’ll lean forward in concern and nerves but won’t change my behavior!!! Against city stereotype, defensive driving is the best way for a driver to stay alive and stay affordably insured in Los Angeles, a city famous for… cars. Ka chow! The Cybertruck may actually be the personification (vehicularfication?) of aggressive yet eco-friendly-virtue-signaling Los Angeles drivers, so actually now I wonder if we’re lucky it hasn’t been adopted to a larger degree? Tesla as a car brand, on the other hand… girl it is out of hand it is every third car on these here jammed roads. I have lots to say about why Tesla is not on my future electric vehicle wish list but maybe that’s a tangent for a different day (okay WHAT is with that UI and why are no seams in the body even??).
I love to drive tbh but also I’ve recently discovered the main-character syndrome that comes with using trains. I’ve recently spent time galloping through art deco train stations like the main LA hub, Union Station, chosen to disrupt thousands of commuters daily lives to host the Oscars in 2021 because she really is glamorous, and the “city smells” (imagine it) don’t translate over an ABC primetime broadcast.
If anyone in a more commuter-friendly city is reading this and rolling their eyes, wow does that mean I have fans? I don’t have a profound point on this just to say trains are very cool y’all. (I’m writing this 3 days after missing a train because I stood by the wrong track and disrupted an entire weekend plan, I’m growing, I’m learning, I’m changing ✌🏻).
But back to me being special because I have a tragic prophecy watching me. The Cybertruck will kill me but maybe Elon (🤡)2 brought it into my life to show me how nice other transportation options can be; to give my Honda Civic a rest and deter me from using the road ever again. To consider how close I live to a train station as a luxury3.
This rec is quite LA-specific, sorry, but may be of interest to anyone who has an interest in city-planning. My recent spike in interest in public transit infrastructure (because I just discovered the existence of trains, recall) and my general interest in Los Angeles issues brought me to a new newsletter by Los Angeles-based journalist Alissa Walker. LA is set to host the 2028 Olympic Games (the third time in this city) and her new publication Torched breaks down how this city will not be prepared for it, compared to how they readied for the world to visit in 1984 and 1932. So many grand plans will not come close to being done by 2028! Don’t worry, her work comes from a place of passion and love for the city, and a want for LA political powers to do better. It’s a great weekly-ish read, four years before millions of tourists come to visit and watch Olympic Breaking.
I’m struggling to find a shade solution here tbh, as I do not like the 6pm-ish sun’s angle but also want to stay normal and not tint my windows.
Side note: my favorite thing about Elon Musk’s latest endeavors is that whenever anyone refers to his social media platform, they must call it by both X and Twitter because still no one knows what X means - lololol.
Even though I do have to drive to the train station to begin my journey. I could walk if I add in 40 minutes… not impossible.