Catch My Breath
And a very accurate explainer on employment inequality.
My last job ended nearly six months ago. My first stretch of unemployment has been humbling, disorienting, confusing, difficult, and fun at times. I know I am incredibly lucky to not have experienced this in 11 years in a career path known for instability.
I’ve tried recipes from TikTok, I’ve saved money, I’ve spent money. I’ve written some but not every day (I don’t subscribe to this as a requirement for “aspiring professional writer”). I’ve made actionable goals for my physical and mental health, trying to solve my chronic back pain and seeking guidance through feeling “stuck” in this part of my life and career. There have been weeks where I keep my “old” routine to a tea: eating well-ish, going to the gym early, etc etc brag brag, and there have been weeks where I languish and don’t have anything to show for it but a sparkling kitchen trashcan I scrubbed in my bathtub because actually there are ways to fill every day when you’re Becky Homecky! I think scientists have proven there’s no such thing as “catching up on sleep” but having the privilege to get some extra sleep when I need it has been fruitful.
This faux half-year milestone has me reflecting on the state of the entertainment industry (2023 was rough, strikes, streaming isn’t profitable, etc.) and how relevant employment in any capacity has been difficult to come by. It really boils down to one culprit, and we all know it:
Kelly Clarkson has too many jobs.
Listen, it’s obvious now that the secret to creating more jobs for hardworking Americans (me 👼🏻) is to stop hiring Kelly Clarkson. Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. should run on this… something about jumpstarting the economy. Come with me as we explore this further.
It was just over a year ago when sweet sweet multi- Grammy and Daytime Emmy Award winner Kelly Brianne Clarkson, announced plans to release new music in 2023 and the gasp I goosped— I was saved! Not to say my life is without other things worth celebrating. French fries often also make me happy. I’m multi-faceted. Like Kelly Clarkson’s resume (and my resume is also cute if you want to see it 👀).
It’s gotten increasingly hard to discern if I’m still one of Kelly’s “biggest fans” because, though she’s still my #1, the target demographic at her shows seems to be gay men in touch with pop culture between 33 and 41. You know, people who found their purpose in life with the cultural explosion of American Idol. I’m the even-more-specific kind of disciple who has seen Kellegend Clarkstan 6 times in concert but have never seen a full episode of her talk show (I have things to do, places to see, Twix to eat).
But as the time went on in the six years between Kelly’s last two studio albums, I was worried about the trajectory of music because the girl just kept adding to her LinkedIn profile. And when new music isn’t even in the five-year plan for one’s favorite star, one must be ready to John Wick1 their way to vengeance!!!!
I once drafted a red-yarn-conspiracy list ranking the absurd side projects that kept her busy during the years of her ex-husband temporarily ruining her life in the too-long period between Meaning of Life (2017) and chemistry (2023)2 and it goes something like this (non-exhaustive):
Wayfair - the biggest offender. Gurl WHAT is this deal and how can we mark you as safe on Facebook? It seems the only thing you deign to post on your Instagram story these days is an ad for some heinous furniture collection. The way fans have a brief peak of excitement to see their favorite star post on social media only to tap on it to see outdated furniture that costs three times as much as IKEA for a third of the style. And while it’s obvious that you’ve clearly acquired a new stylist in recent months (more below), let’s have them point a smidge of their efforts to interior design, especially if your real home uses the furniture from your “collection”.
I wouldn’t even choose this as an Airbnb. The Kelly Clarkson Show - I can’t fault you on this one, but baby how are we liking this? We’ve been fed with an original cover arrangement each episode (and blessed that these make their way to the internet promptly, should we not be sat in front of NBC on a Tuesday afternoon - the best one linked below) but let’s just think about how long this is viable. What’s that you say? The show is drowning in Emmys and daily syndicated talk shows are how Oprah and Ellen made their fortunes? Okaaaay. Sus.
Christmas - Jesus Christ welcome to the hot seat. 2013’s Wrapped in Red is an all-timer. Covers and originals to rival the popularity of M*riah C*rey. But let’s think twice about putting your strained vocal cords toward the crowded Christmas field a second time. When Christmas Comes Around… (2021) well… it certainly exists!
Bangs - She’s got ‘em! And thank GOD for the aforementioned new stylist. I’m so-so on the whispy bangs and this is actually an unnecessary tangent and has nothing to do with a meandering music career. Bangs are just typically a cry for help, so dots must be connected.
Kids - I’ll allow it. I guess.
American Song Contest (2022) - Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the United States’ attempt to replicate Eurovision two years ago, hosted by Clarkson and Snoop Dogg. Read that again to decide if you remember this existing or if I very much made it up; the latter is possible! The premise is logical, perhaps. One competitor from each state and territory3 come together to perform original songs and we vote and then there’s a winner and that winner goes on to bask in OBSCURITY and maybe 12k followers because audiences these days don’t go out and support the singers for whom they vote. WHICH BRINGS ME TO
The Voice - American Idol ended in 2016 and that’s canon (we had a huge sendoff series finale and then it began again one year later? I choose not to believe it). One may measure their life in daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee but another metric we can use are the waves in which televised singing competitions try to replicate Idol’s monoculture4. Perhaps this was a sort-of audition to see how Kelly’s on air personality would fare and then BAM! Talk show, see above. I trust she was charismatic here, I didn’t watch, but this (again, Emmy-winning) show has always been about the coaches. Name a winner. Name ANY contestant.
First to name a winner of The Voice gets my love. You CANNOT.
EDITOR’S NOTE (me): As I am drafting this, news broke that she will be hosting the opening ceremonies this summer in Paris.
Whew that’s lot (he says, from his comfy bed where he hasn’t had more than 2 commitments in a day since September). Imagine the Google Calendar. I, for one, would sleep easier knowing know that my idol is able to relax, to take a nap twice in one week if she wants as I have had the privilege to do, to maybe take a day to escape to a hot spring and read People magazine (do celebs get the same thrill over reading maybe-half-true details about other celebrities? Perhaps the “Sexiest Man Alive” issue when she’s ready to Find Love™ again?).
It seems Kelly and I have opposite problems, and I’d appreciate the National Labor Relations Board investigating this. Since I doubt Kelly Clarkson is in contention for any remote jobs, I think one quick fix is to just have her leave her comfy home city. And what’s the best way to remove an adult contemporary pop star from a job pool? That’s right, you can see where I’m obviously going with this: let Kelly Clarkson tour again!!!!!
Oh brother now I’ve confused my thesis, now riding a fine line between “let a girl rest” and “let a girl rest from her day jobs so she can make fans happy in various cities around the country”5. I don’t know if I have the skillset to take any jobs off her hands, but I’m sure we can find somebody to take her place on The Voice6.
I know (assume) touring is tough and the stationary deal of Las Vegas is enticing, but twelve overpriced shows in Vegas does not a tour make. Oh yeah, I forgot one of her temp jobs:
Las Vegas Residency - I did not go. I was busy with family vacations or something that sounds obliviously privileged…
I suppose you’re wondering if I have a point. I often don’t, whoops! Thanks for reading and meandering with me!
Maybe I got on this train of thought when reflecting on my own 2024 so far. Maybe setting my mind to Kelly Clarkson’s career trajectory is one of a thousand pop culture-based distractions from bigger stressors that would cause me to breakout and lose sleep? Calming the speed of my daily life (not by choice) may have been some sort of blessing (though regular paychecks from anyone except California’s unemployment department would be nice).
Maybe my earnest (ugh) point is preaching the importance of doing something calm for a change— and that differs for everyone, somewhere between deep cleaning the fridge shelves or booking one-to-two nights at the Kia Forum in Los Angeles. So Kelly: please lmk how you plan to proceed this year and if the cost of entry for a good view will be under $200, because while I am waiting for someone to pay me for skills, there are always some things worth dipping into the savings for and I need this win.
Love, Ryan, whose resume and writing samples are available online at ryanharer.com.
According to my music library data, Since U Been Gone is my most listened-to song. FOR GOOD REASON, slay. I still herald Breakaway (2004) as my favorite album (hm maybe we’ll have to deep dive on this for its 20th anniversary in November…), as evidenced by my CD that was scratched from too much use in my 1996 Nissan Pathfinder, slay again.
If you don’t know Kelly beyond any single she’s offered to radio or performed at an award show, here’s a starter list of 10 non-singles from Kelly Clarkson that I love love love:
(links below go to YouTube, or here’s an Apple Music or Spotify playlist)
Sober (okay this one was technically a single but from her lowest-selling album and got no radio play; if you’re not familiar then… sorry for making your year. This links to a live version.)
This is a pop culture blindspot for me; does this reference make sense?
Please, pop girlies, embrace Title Case again.
But they also threw in established singers and songwriters in with the nobodies? Literally Jewel, Michael Bolton, Macy Gray, and SISQO represented their home states. Again, if anyone can confirm this really existed, lmk…
Okay maybe I need to go in on how American Idol was the culture that made me say culture was for me…
Disclaimer, lest I be placed into the same bucket as a conspiracy Swiftie, I acknowledge that celebrity/fan parasocial relationships are generally unhealthy and Kelly does not owe us anything. But 🥹 as a mainstream millennial who has come up with the normal cycle of an album then a tour, rinse and repeat… I’m sure we can find a solution sis.
breaking news, she is no longer on The Voice.
This was once used in a promotional campaign for The Bachelorette, but Kelly later revealed it’s about suicidal thoughts. Media literacy!