A Prized Possession
And the unconventional reason I was scarred by middle school.
Every night the same terror strikes me. I am awake and conscious so not technically a nightmare but as I finish my stint on my iPad (sometimes reading but often TikTokking until the retinas burn), I put my screens down (maybe start a meditative sleep playlist on a timer on the phone) and fish around in the dark in a basket under my bedside table for THEE item. The thing that my life revolves around. The item that will be the difference between a solid 8 hours and existential crisis keeping my mind spinning until 3am. My baby. My sweet, sweet sleep mask.
Sleep masks are so important to our society that hundreds of engineers and designers have worked for years to make it to this week’s release of Apple Vision Pro, the world’s most advanced sleep mask (idk I assume based on marketing materials and lack of research since I am not intending to purchase one starting at $3,499 starting February 2 on apple dot com).
I wasn’t always a purveyor in the sleep mask world, but to walk through this growth, we gotta go back to middle school, for I am an anthropologist. Give me a faded chambray shirt tied at the waist and short shorts Jurassic Park Laura Dern… wait or is that an archeologist?
I reminisce on eighth grade more often than I should. Specifically I am transported back to the mega cafeteria of Jones Middle School in Upper Arlington, Ohio during what was some sort of pre summer break event to pacify three hundred pre-teens. Young Ryan sat down to a caricature artist and requested requested some sort of Spider-Man theme, as the timeline coincides with the release of 2002’s Spider-Man movie, icon.
I then received the worst caricature of my life1. The realization slapped me in the face: I have a large nose. (No shade to the artist, I guess. I’m sure it was a great drawing but let’s discuss who thought it’d be a fun idea to hire an artist to highlight kids’ most prominent physical attributes mid-puberty.) CUT TO adulthood where everything has spiraled down from this day. Basically giving:
Melodramatic? Couldn’t be me! But in truth I do giggle sometimes thinking back to this canon event2 in how I learned to perceive myself. I had to learn at some point to pick straight-on photos exclusively for my Hinge profile— Highlight your assets, sweetie! I had attempted to use a sleep mask in the past, but the habit never stuck, and I blamed my rhino horn.
As my mother was visiting me in California for a birthday and treating bestie and I to a nice steak dinner (I do not remember the name, but remember it was SO delicious and had four dollar signs on Yelp) she had mentioned that my sister had found her new favorite sleep mask. I lamented that sleep masks do not work for me as they cannot possibly block out the light because of… well, read above. But this review was word of mouth from my sister and… you know how family genetics work👃🏻 I was intrigued…
Author note: I highly advise against falling in love with a product that is discontinued by the manufacturer before even trying it. We soon found out that massage-chair mall empire Brookstone (RIP) does not sell this thing anymore. That is no problem for my mother (her middle name is “buys on internet before thinking it all through”). A quick search led her to one seller on eBay which led to her buying up their entire stock of twelve Brookstone NAP Sleep Masks (from the back seat of my Honda Civic, before we even arrived at dinner). All or nothing baby! She proceeded to dangle this stock of perfect sleep masks over us for a few years, issuing a fresh replacement in our Christmas stockings for a few years. This was going to be the way I win the war against light leak in my bedroom!
I used that last one until the velcro degraded and my face oils made it unusable (🤮) and life got bleak again. I had to resort to Am*zon by way of TikTok recommendations. The sought-after features remained: blackout despite this precious face shape. I am generally unfamiliar with the concept of blacking out unless we’re talking about a certain no-skips album from Britney Spears. I found one that was lightweight and satisfactory and the product image promised I’d look like this:
but I missed ole faithful in my life. The cheapie one left dark dye runoff on my white pillowcases. I fixed it with some OxiClean (not sponsored) and Rit dye color remover (not sponsored) but we should not have to work this hard. This was satisfactory until Santa (by way of sister, character callback) got me a VERY NEAT HIGH TECH sleep mask via Manta Sleep that has been quite perfect since December 25 (should I have made a one month anniversary post?) and I can’t even remember my train of thought because I’m giggling looking at their marketing images on their website.
I’m not sure I have a point to this trip down memory lane. Perhaps this is actually a hidden lecture that a good night’s sleep is important and that we as adults with adult money get to make our sleep sanctuary as perfect as we want and if it’s worth sleeping it’s worth splurging (I bought a humidifier a few weeks ago but already returned it). Or perhaps it’s a good reminder that Rhea Perlman actually invented sleep masks in the 1996 adaptation of Roald Dahl’s Matilda and we will only ever be a tenth as cool as her.
Maybe my point is that small changes make the best growth. Step one: try to find a sleep mask that works for me. Step two: spare myself the terror of wondering if I misplaced it and just keep it on my nightstand. Nightstands are for nighttime goods, right?
There is no show more important right now than The Traitors. Don’t come to me to argue this, as this is factual. This is the reason to subscribe to Peacock. Not the record-breaking biggest live event on streaming ever last week. But if you came for football, stay for Peacock’s crown jewel.
I briefly alluded to this in a previous post that I did not have the right to make anyone download/pay for another streaming app but this recommendation comes with gusto. If you like anything about reality television, you will enjoy this televised version of Mafia/Werewolf/whatever you called it growing up. A group of ~20 reality show personalities (a delectable mix of alums from Housewives, Survivor, The Bachelor, Big Brother, The Challenge/Real World, Drag Race, etc etc) have to uncover who among them is a traitor, as the traitors continuously “murder” the others around them. There is no death, but there is commitment to the BIT. And so many over-the-top outfits. Gosh this is a fun watch.
No, I do not have photo evidence of this. Please take my word for it. I might be an investment banker if this didn’t drive me toward the path of the animated arts.
A “canon event” as defined by 2023 Academy Award nominee and presumed winner Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse may be some event, happy or sad, that shapes someone and is destined to happen. Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben dying. Ryan learning his nose is kinda big. Ryan could stand to cool it with the Spider-Man references but he’s too focused on his schnoz. See also: “core memory” from Inside Out (2015).