World Pride
Engines filled with... tea? Instead of oil...?
In the month+ since Nintendo launched Switch 2, most of my TikTok feed has been people sharing tricks to unlocking character outfits and extras in Mario Kart World… and also so many detractors who haven’t ever heard of fun just posting comments regarding this console being a waste of money. Well I wasn’t unemployed when I bought it, Barbara!!!
The draw of Mario Kart World, the newest game in the franchise and the only new Nintendo game available at console launch, is its expansiveness. Not only can one free roam between tracks in an open-world map (if you’ve ever wondered what the terrain is like between Waluigi’s chaotic motocross ring and Peach’s castle, you’re sooooo in luck), but this game added outfit variations to nearly every character. Gone are the days of racing with Princess Peach’s pink dress by default!
It’s so expansive in fact, that I think it behooves me to rank some power players in this Diva-off; who is the best diva of them all?
16. Cow
Early in Mario Kart World’s release cycle, people gravitated to a cow character, simply named… Cow. And of course she got all of the attention; imagine driving in a two-door coupe as a happy bovine girl, t*ts out. But I do feel like she’s burned too bright too early, and sits at the bottom of this list strictly to give some others time to shine.
Cow loves to drive at Moo Moo Meadows, a track whose main obstacle is cows in the road. Imagine driving by your family and throwing a red shell at them because they didn’t read your Christmas list last year.
15. Sailor Koopa Troopa
1950 and 2008 Tony Winner South Pacific inspired Koopa Troopa to sail the ocean; or at least dress like he sails but actually just poses next to a boat waiting for a man to sweep him off his feet.
14. Wicked Wasp Wario
Looking for new hobbies as an adult is difficult, especially if people have labeled you a nasty villain clone without the same marketable plumbing skills as your mirror enemy. So we join Wario having joined his local community theater. After four rounds of auditions where he was confident he’d be cast as the lead, he was cast as “Wicked Wasp” and has two lines, one of them is “buzz buzz”. Stick with it, diva.
13. Donkey Kong
Shoulder realignment, eye shaping, eye-space reduction, BBL, rhinoplasty, cheek filler, hair transplant… Donkey Kong showed up to the set of The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) a new man ready for his close-up! And producers noticed, taking the revised ape and giving him his own headlining game this summer. No extra outfit needed, he knows what he’s carrying with just that red tie.
12. Oasis Luigi
This is a gay child watched too much Aladdin and at one point or another, a parent bought him a purple vest to dress as Aladdin when there was strictly one character on his mind; also attempted fashioning his hair into Jasmine bubbles, unsuccessfully.
11. Soft Server Toadette
Inspired by the early-2010s millennial tumblr aesthetic, she bought thick framed glasses with no lenses. Soft Server Toadette opened a cold treat stand in a small summer vacation town to only serve the sweeeetest flavors that are actually garbage; those blue scoops the kids always want, some bubblegum flavor, the most artificially radioactive green mint chocolate chip. And she serves it all with a smile.
10. Engineer Toad
WOMEN IN STEM!!!!!!
9. Wampire Waluigi
As if he won a one-year-supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics, Wampire Waluigi (not a spelling error) is working with face paint contouring now. Also of note: he’s really working on his hairstyling now that he took off his signature upside-down-L purple hat. He asked me and I referred him to some hair products. I think Daisy might be showing him how to use a hairdryer, results pending.
8. Aurora Rosalina
The last time the word “Aurora” carried this much glam was when Norwegian singer Aurora performed Frozen 2’s “Into the Unknown” at the 92nd Academy Awards alongside Idina Menzel— it didn’t win, and now her spirit is trapped in this absolute GOWN donned by Rosalina, space princess. On a personal note, last Christmas, my then-four-year-old niece got a toy to bedazzle her hair and who’s to say it doesn’t look this glam?
7. Touring Daisy
To say nothing of her kneepads in a car-based game, Touring Daisy looked at the September Issue of Vogue and, disappointed in the forecasted trends, made statement zippers happen. Once nothing but a suburban Maxxinista, Touring Daisy is now making three figures from her Etsy store selling chunky zippers. Free shipping if you buy two or more.
6. Conkdor
Don’t cross Conkdor when any song above 65 bpm comes on at the club because she will be throwing neck, perhaps to her own beat, sunglasses on at night. The flexibility of a snake, the glamour of a giraffe, the beak of the most exotic toucan not on a Froot Loops box, Conkdor’s skillset is versatile!
5. Sightseeing Peach
Takes inspiration from Pleasantville, the 50s in general, Sandy from Grease, etc. Kim Kardashian showed up to the 2024 Met Gala, holding her breath in the tightest corset ever seen and Princess Peach said “hold my sodapop”. Like there’s no way she can easily get in and out of her cart with that waist and for that, she gets the diva stamp of approval over all of the other Peach variants.
4. Peepa
As opposed to King Boo, the most widely known ghost in the Mario world, Peepa is old-Hollywood. Peepa is the ghost of a 1940s child actress who took to the bottle too early in life and reached an early tragic end. And she now haunts the cinema, forcing people to watch her old films, coming to life on the silver screen!
3. Swimwear Yoshi
Swimwear Yoshi is dressed to cannonball in the deep end and come up, gasping for air, followed by “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Watch. Mom watch. Mom watch this. Mom are you watching. Mom. Mom look”. Swimwear Yoshi will proceed to do something underwhelming but not think any negative thoughts about themselves; diva behavior. Also, custom flippers.
2. Pianta
Just looking at this… creature… you can just tell that her theme song is “WAP”. Pianta walks anywhere and emits a Squidward squeak, implying so much happening, bodily, while also leaving so much mystery. Don’t let them in on your secret, girl. And who can forget the girl that brings Florida with her in the form of a palm tree hat? Be yourself, everybody else is taken.
1. Vacation Birdo
The rock is REAL! And she’s gonna dip in the ocean with it because she’s what? RICH. How? Look at that snout! It’s insured for eight figures! Vacation Birdo walks into Fontainebleau Las Vegas and says “this dumpy old thing?" Vacation Birdo used to rent a PJ but then said what the heck and bought her own. Vacation Birdo hasn’t seen her husband in 10 months. Vacation Birdo’s lashes? Don’t ask about their validity unless you want to be on her hit list.
How someone selects a character in a game like Mario Kart is extremely indicative of their own character. I for one will never care to be associated with someone who checks racing stats; one is supposed to race based on vibes. Acceleration who? What is handling?
Lastly, you’ll notice the game’s namesake MARIO is not on this list. Truth is, after all these years, buddy still has work to do, and has not been a true Diva since the 3D graphics of “Super Mario 64” had his butt bounce if you walked at the just the correct slow pace. Anyway, buy Nintendo Switch 2 at any major retailer and let me know when you’re available for an online Diva Race™.
Appendix A: none of the babies have made this list because you just know these bitches are driving 3+ laps with dirty diapers.
Appendix B: The most un-diva of the whole game is Chargin’ Chuck; like less brain capacity than your stereotypical jock character. What is going on here?
Honorable Mention: Pauline, she’s a lounge singer who can’t pick an identity, even as she has nearly perfected her drag queen makeup. As the newest female human character, she simultaneously brags about predating Peach, Daisy, et al., appearing as the first damsel in distress alongside 1981’s Donkey Kong. Pick a lane!
Absolutely needed this ranking, thank you.