Here's Some Money, Go See a Star War
Or, go *make* a star war, Disney.
You know what they ALWAYS say: if a tree (a Star Wars television series) falls in the forrest (streams on Disney+) and nobody hears it (it makes no cultural impact)…
Star Wars television has become so commonplace that it doesn’t really land with a thud anymore1; Marvel shows kinda have the same impact (of lack thereof) but at least there is an on-the-record response from Disney about scaling back their Marvel output. “Give a bitch a break!” is what I say each time I click onto Disney+ to watch 14-year-old episodes of Glee.
Each major franchise arm of Disney has had their respectable output—everyone remembers Emmy-nominated Wandavision right? EVERYONE? And I will go to bat for She-Hulk. Both of these took Marvel characters that, on paper, only used to appeal to silly comic book gooses and decided what would happen if they put superheroes in a blender with sitcom tropes, or legal procedurals, for example. Good things can happen!
Star Wars is in need of the same juice, I fear. In The Acolyte, the newest series that aired its finale last week, marketing materials promised a story completely separate from the “Skywalker Saga” we’ve run into the ground for 40 years and then, when the final credits aired, it broke down into pretty much the same old good-versus-evil Jedi story tropes and [spoiler alert I guess] had crotchety old Yoda in a cameo. It had some fun elements (hot Emmy-less actor from The Good Place playing a villain with a neat-and-sinister-looking helmet) but didn’t stick. And I’m allowed to say it was boring, because I did watch every episode2.
There’s been an often-repeated meme format (usually on X I mean Twitter) where someone throws out a prompt to remake a movie, exclusively casting Muppets while keeping one original human actor to play against them.3 It just lends to the variety of stories that the Muppets can be capable of telling, while keeping their own brand of charm, yet giving us something different each time.
Disney has announced about 600 Star Wars projects in development, some they probably hope we just forgot about, but otherwise, it’s time for Star Wars to give us some variety! Here are some new show ideas I’d like to send to Disney, if anyone knows of a good email address:'
A show about engineers trying to advance technology with the goal of exploring other galaxies. In this startup where tech develops at such a rapid pace, a ship is able to travel so far until they happen upon Earth. And it turns out George Lucas’s 1970s definition of “A long long time ago” is like, 1952.
Story pitch: Some rogue alien smugglers descend on a small suburb and have to assimilate as all of the teens gather and gossip at the soda shop. It’s giving Pleasantville.
A group of friends on an adults-only vacation. Think The While Lotus, Fire Island (yes the Star Wars universe is in desperate need of more LGBTQ+ representation!!) and aliens can be there too. I only ask for this because if there’s one constant about Star Wars its that they are going to cast the worst kid actors. I am once again stating that I work in kids media and good kid actors exist! (Look at Modern Family, The Last of Us for contrasting examples.) But there’s something about any child in “Jedi training” that makes them insufferable. It’s literally giving:
Story pitch: One adult guest bribes another with artifacts from a desert planet in order to get upgraded resort amenities, and these people are rich and love the thought of owning and displaying anything “exotic”. Another or story direction is just… lots of sex scenes. Adults only resort baby!!!! Disney has its first R-rated Marvel movie this week; anything goes now.
A quarter-life best friends show, akin to Broad City— just space girls being girls! This could also work with two droids and they can have bits about “finding themselves” because they are literally not human.
Story pitch: the girls attend a rave but instead of buying glow sticks accidentally grab light sabers instead. As they and dance, disastrous and murdery results ensue.
Something about fashion - an elite fashion designer for all of these stiff politicians in the universe. I’m picturing Ugly Betty…
Story pitch: Steal anything from a Project Runway conflict here; we ran out of fabric, someone can’t sew, some elite model is angry… Lots of ROBES with stiff collars, darling!
Literally do anything. Star Wars meets Scandal, Star Wars meets Bridgetron, Star Wars meets Shonda Rhimes’ apparently is what I need! Except nothing with exclusively white men because it’s fun to see bigoted Star Wars “fans” get upset thanks!
If you know your culture you know there is one standout Star Wars series from this era and it’s not the one that produced all of the Baby Yoda merch (see, I can appeal to the masses and not call him Grogu earnestly). Andor is good television. Part heist, part class warfare, part prison break (oh the prison break episode!), this is the content we deserve when thinking about how to apply an already-established world onto familiar TV tropes. Like our beloved Wandavision, this was nominated for an Outstanding Drama Emmy and, not for nothing, this show taught me that subtitles can be good because it helps learn a bunch of fake names and concepts.
And for further reading about the above Muppets prompt from another publication:
EXCEPT for finally using this property to make a true kids series; if you have pre-schoolers you probably know about Young Jedi Adventures.
There are so many Star Wars losers who don’t even give a show a chance because the lead characters are women and/or people of color; gentlemen this is literally a world about other planets and species.
The answer is obviously National Treasure but my mind sometimes switches toward which of the main three human actors I’d keep— the answer is not always Nicolas Cage!