A Gift Guide for Summer
Also applicable at major gift-giving December holidays.
I recently read the book The Day the World Stops Shopping, a nonfiction exploration into how our planet/society would crumble in the short term then heal in the long term if we halted our overconsumption culture. There was a healthy amount of scolding the reader while giving no solution except, essentially, stay at home and stare at the wall1. But I’ve earnestly thought back to anecdotes from this book and dissuaded myself from some old buying habits! So if that’s not self-improvement… (To be clear, my standard mode of operation is: yes shopping good— I’m an adult with access to the internet and many malls in a one-hour-drive radius after all.)
Last Christmas, I really made it a goal to buy less, so if you’re reading this and are still perched at the mailbox waiting for your late gift… hey look Santa will come again in less than 7 months. It may have been part “ugh so much stuff to pack or ship” dread, and part struggling to find the perfect gifts for everybody. And everybody knows the worst part of traveling to see family for Christmas is packing any cumbersome gifts on plane travels back home after the merriment ends! Duh! Wait did I just wade into non-relatable territory? Does this make me sound like I’m drowning in gifts? Because I’m not. And this is not a cry for more things. Gifts are nice. If any brands want to send me free gifts I will accept. The amount of gifts I receive is okay. Fewer would be okay too. Ryan “Shia LeBouf” Harer here reporting live from digging his holes.
Have you ever tried to shop using a standard men’s gift guide on the internet? Then you know that every algorithmic page thinks every man wants a whiskey flight and also knives and if it’s clothes then they’re $400 and TRUCKS and GEARS and PLAID and EVERYTHING ADJACENT TO A GUN WITHOUT BEING A GUN2.
The point is: Gift giving can be difficult. Here’s my suggestion to alleviate all future gift-giving woes?
CAMEO DOT COM.
For the uninitiated, a Cameo (capital “c”) is a personalized video from your “favorite celebrities”3. Cameos are the perfect gift. Year-round. Birthdays, baby showers, admin appreciation day, basically everything except tipping your mail person in December, I think they would like a bit of holiday bonus cash.
I’m at the age when some technological advancements might pass me by and I’m learning to not care! But I’ve also learned paying money into the internet and getting your 67th favorite celebrity from your 9th favorite show to send you a greeting is likely one of our best advancements in “I’m Thinking of You” tech since Hallmark opened an online store. Does your loved one love the Real Housewives? You’re set. Did they like one sitcom 11 years ago and specifically a recurring bartender character? Well have I got news for you. Do they really like Billie Eilish and other current “30 under 30” stars? Well… no one has all of the answers. This is the weak spot in my ultimate gift guide, as the selection on Cameo has seemed to stagnate in the reality television field. I can’t help by fantasize and imagine the magic (and profit) that would happen if actual celebs deigned to add themselves to Cameo. Bullying works, so: Martin Scorsese, you can set your own price! Desperate Housewives’ Eva Longoria, consult your accountant! Unfortunately as social media has opened the pandora’s box of celebrities giving more of themselves over to the public over the last 15-or-so years (how kind of them), it’s the A-listiest of them from whom we crave more4. Reese Witherspoon has never heard of Cameo. She and my father probably have this in common.
We’re stuck in a time where shareholders prioritize growth in media companies so I have a few suggestions for additions, should we as a culture want to make Cameo stronger:
A living list of the last 8 years of Best Actress Oscar winners and they can retire once they’ve done their time (unfortunately, Emma Stone, your recent second win re-ups you for another sentence).
A representative from SNL’s cue card department, so you can just read the nice penmanship on your own and feel like Kiera Knightly in Love, Actually if a friend wants to confess a secret.
A roster of Muppets. To be clear, there is a “kids” section with Elmo and Cookie Monster and others, but they’re DISGUSTINGLY LOW-RENT ANIMATIONS which I will not stand for. If a parent bought me a Cameo of the knockoff cartoon version of Elmo I would throw my dinner plate and file for an Emancipation of Mimi.
Jesus Christ (impersonator?), but he has to contribute to the lore and remember to disable his account on Good Friday and resume after Easter.
A Beanie Baby, or at least aim the camera at one and have a rural collector mom from 1997 assign it a voice and have it spew cliche quotes. It could tell you to shoot for the moon because you’ll land among the stars.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Sis the paychecks from Lifetime (and a bit part on The Kardashians season 5) have to run out soon. Unless you get another income stream.
One of the cows who is immortalized in the licensed art at HomeGoods or Hobby Lobby and look like they’re always stuck in that “discovering selfie mode” pose.
Tree Paine5, this would be the most expensive one and you get to ask her one question and she won’t answer it but you can watch her read it live and see if you can judge her body language.
Godzilla but specifically the one from Japanese movies. He’s cute and I empathize with him as he destroys cities.
Billy, the guy whose name inspired IKEA’s best-selling modular shelving unit. Who was he to the furniture designer? And/or why did this bookshelf remind them of their friend Billy? Was Billy a muse who was actually a square, personality-wise?
And while we’re reorganizing, let’s purge:
Anyone who wants to price their cameo under $20, babes you’re just telling on yourself. Build up that self-esteem.
98% of the “Comedians” category — I have not heard of these people and their thumbnails don’t inspire me to remedy that.
If you’re unsure if I’ve made a rock-solid case for why Cameos freakin’ rule… buy Freddie Prinze Jr. for just $100 and watch your Gen X or millennial friend say it’s the best gift they’ve ever gotten and they’ll show it in all group settings for the next six months. All that and you didn’t even have to buy wrapping paper or gift tags!
Cameos are kind of like flowers, they’re not a gift you have to keep forever, but you can if you want because small digital files don’t take up physical space! Actually, don’t keep flowers forever. As a purchaser of one (1) Cameo in my lifetime, I am an expert on the subject. As the recipient of zero (0) cameos in my lifetime, I take stock weekly of who in my family TRULY loves me. My inbox is open! (If you’re reading this wondering what I’m about to buy you at the next gift-giving occasion… shhh you didn’t read anything.)
Editor’s note: When I was drafting this post, I considered buying myself a cameo to promote this publication on social media but talked myself down from this ledge. I have an iPhone note of names slash ideas though. 🤐
Another editor’s Note: If anyone from Cameo sees this, send me one for plugging your business for free. Surprise me.
My podcast genre of choice is an investigative limited series about topics other than true crime. In a post from November 2023, I recommended a deep dive podcast series into the career of Britney Jean Spears. Last week, I finished the limited series “Who Killed the Video Star?” Part history of the cable network, part investigation into where it went wrong, the series takes us through all of the highs and lows of MTV. It will make anyone of the right age nostalgic for the heydays of TRL and also shake a first when they hear how MTV botched the advent of internet video. A tight 8 episodes, hosted by one of my favorite culture writers, Dave Holmes. Did you know MTV tried to revive TRL in 2017? Of course not, nobody watched it.
Luckily I love doing this. t did lose me during a bit when it talked about how even using digital content at home was overconsumption. Can’t win!
I’ll never forget when Pinterest kept asking me to select my gender, and when I finally chose, my feed changed INSTANTLY from home decor and fashion and recipes to, like, WEAPONS.
A cameo (lowercase “c”) is when Ted Lasso’s Brett Goldstein appears as Hercules for 2 seconds at the end of Thor: Love & Thunder (2022) I think Marvel prefers if we’d forget it but I will not.
What is a newsletter if not a vehicle to shoehorn in uses of “whom”?
If you do not know who this is… wrong publication. Unsubscribe! (jk please don’t - she’s Taylor Swift’s publicist)